This week was a challenging week for me and I was reminded more than few times about how powerful change can be and how it affects us all on different levels. How fear of change can break even the strongest of us all. That learning to deal with change for some people is the hardest thing to deal with in life. We become accustom to our ever day lives the way we feel things should be or have to be. We place value on things that truly have no value. We protect our selves our lives by knowing how things are going to flow from day to day and when something tragic happens or a whole bunch of tragic things happen at once it can bring us to our knees and shake us to our cores and force change on us whether we like it or not.
The act of just moving on and letting these things go just seems like the most impossible thing to do, trusting that life will go on and everything will be just fine in the end is just a total impossibility, that sometimes the worst things that happen in our lives can and will become the best things that happen to us in the end.
Last week marked the 4 year anniversary when things just got pilled up on me and I had no where to turn and I had to make a choice in my life. I choose to get help and believe me when it happened it seemed like it was the most impossible thing that I could ever do. I had grown accustom to living my life and dealing with things in a way I felt was right, in away that I felt it had to be and there was no way I could ever change.
On Thursday morning I walked into a therapy session and I remembered what it was like to walk into my first one 4 years ago and how much I have changed since then. How when I walked in the first time I was convinced that nothing this lady was going to tell me was going to help me. But 4 years later I am walking into another session and I am blown away with how much my life has changed since April 1/ 2013.
In 4 years I have learned to deal with change and to except things for the way they are, it is never easy and it is always work for me. I use my tools I have been tough to use in therapy and sometimes like I said it is real easy to except change and other times not so easy and that is okay because I am human and being human is such a great thing.
4 years ago if you told me I was going to write a book I would have laughed at you. 4 years ago if you would have told me I was going to sell these books and help people like myself fight depression I would have laughed as well. But 4 years later and 600 books sold I am living a life of purpose and helping people. Learning to embrace change and learning that some of the worst things that could happen to you can turn out to be the best is a hard thing to grasp but it is all part of excepting change, living life and being human.
I am going to share a short selection from my book were I wrote about going to my first session after I made the call for help and remember.
"Only with open conversation can we kill the stigma behind depression! lets all start talking and kill it together."
When I walked into my first appointment I was terrified! What was going to happen? What was I going to talk about? How could this help me...? Was I just supposed to start talking to this stranger and tell her things that I have never told anyone before? What was the deal here... how could she help me? I was so broken and depressed, how could she put me back together?
She talked to me, asked me what brought me there and told me I was not a failure, that I made a huge step just calling and showing up. She told me I was worth changing and that she could help me and teach me that I could beat depression....I believed her and I talked for the first time.
I told her how empty I was and how I wanted to disappear sometimes. About how much acting I did and how I was such a failure.
She told me that I have been putting all my feelings and emotions into a barrel and it was full to over flowing and there is this beach ball that is getting pushed down into the barrel and my emotions are all over flowing over the sides, out of control. She told me how she was going to change my way of thinking and my way of dealing with life, and we were going to drain that barrel and start living life!!
I clearly remember the run I had the next day. Instead of beating myself up that morning, I thought about everything she said and I actually felt that she was right. I wasn't a failure and if she was right about that, then maybe I am worth changing and I don't want to disappear after all and maybe, just maybe, I can learn something from these sessions, and if I work hard enough and fight I will beat this depression and stop spiraling down someday.
Now this was a run of hope and happiness, a run to start a new outlook on life, maybe just be myself!!! I deserve to be happy!!