Suicide
(Using Meditation as a therapeutic tool)
It has been 6 years since I started therapy, I have had many highs and lows as I am learning to live a happy life, it is not easy when you have struggled as long as I have with depression and anxiety. This last down turn I experienced took me to a place where I have not been in quite a while. It was scary and I am not going to lie, it was so scary it stopped me from getting help, it stopped me from making a call that I would normally have made in a second. It also called into question everything that I have done and accomplished over the last 6 years. I reached a point were the only solution was to disappear.
This down turn even stopped me from talking to Mastora (My Therapist) which really, really scared me. But after I did finally make the call for help, Mastora pointed out to me, that it was time to call disappearing what it truly is and take the power back. It is SUICIDE just writing that word scares me and it is not an option, and depression truly can not have this power over me anymore.
I decided I was going to do one of the things that I am good at, meshing writing with meditation to help myself and heal. The power of using writing and meditation is truly one of the greats gifts I have. I have used this gift many times in the last 6 years but this time it was clear to me what I had to do. I was going to go to my tree (My Safe place) and I was going to take depression with me and show depression love and kindness and take the power back. Here is how I did it.
I breathed deeply feeling my breath from the beginning to the end, I then exhaled slowly and calmly feeling my breath leave my body, I did this over and over again. I then closed my eyes and I could see my tree in front of me I walked toward it slowly, but this time I brought a friend with me. I brought depression and he didn’t want to go with me, but I squeezed his hand tight and I told him it is okay because I was going to show him what love is.
When we got to the tree, I ran my hand over its bark and I told depression to do the same, to feel the love of my tree like I do. I told him it is okay he doesn’t have to be afraid anymore. He put out his hand and felt the tree. I explained to him we are saying Hi and now we will step inside. I took a step forward and depression followed me in, I smiled and told him it is okay nothing can hurt you when you are in the tree. He sat down with me and we begin to breath air in through the leaves and down through the trunk, into the roots and back again. My tree welcomed depression with love and kindness showing him what it is like to be safe and loved. Depression then smiled just a tiny bit and the tension in his face lessened.
We both enjoyed breathing air in through the leaves and down into the roots and back again for a long time till depression actually started to really smile. I leaned over and gave him a long loving hug. I then told him to follow me, we stood up and he reached out his hand of guidance, I took his hand and we stepped out of the tree together.
We were then standing in a green field with tiny yellow flowers mixed in with the green grass. The sun was shinning and the ski was blue with no clouds in site, there was a clam warm breeze and just in front of us were 2 brown leather arm chairs, they are facing the blue sky and the field was never ending. I turned to depression and told him I brought you here to show you love. The same way I had shown myself love when I was saying good bye to my Dad. When I told him that his face went blank, he was scared, he didn’t really know what love was. But he walked with me to the chairs and we sat together. I told him not to be afraid, that I would not let go of his hand that he was safe with me.
We both sat down and looked out into the blue ski with amazement, I squeezed his hand and he looked at me with fear in his eyes. I told him it is okay to be afraid. I then told him I forgive him for the past and that I was going to teach him not to be afraid anymore, that guilt, hate, shame, embarrassment, humiliation, fear, sadness were just emotions and that it was natural to feel them and that they always pass overtime. I told him he doesn’t need to be afraid anymore, that I was strong enough to deal with these emotions on my own now. He no longer had to talk to me in a negative way anymore. If he did, I would stop him and give him the love he needed, because life is scary at times and that is okay to be afraid and we all need love.
I told him that I was no longer going to protect him by covering up his real bad thoughts and talk anymore. When he whispers in my ear that I should disappear I will always respond by saying “I will not commit suicide, I will not end my life.” “I take that power away from you”. He had an angry look on his face because I know him just as well as he knows me, we have been together for 38 years and it works both ways! He then had a little smirk on his face, because he knew I was right. Then he Finally spoke “ All I know is guilt, hate, shame, embarrassment, humiliation, fear and sadness.” I squeezed his hand and said “No that is not true you can learn and you can change and you can feel love.” He replied “But for years I have been with you! for years I have been part of your life and now you just want me to change!” I said “Yes “and smiled.
The 2 of us then talked for quite a while about the past and the many times that he controlled me, we sat in the pain and emotion together. I showed him that he was safe and how all emotion passes. He started to change right in front of me, he was no longer a large black figure, a dark demon who’s only goal was to destroy me, but he slowly turned into who he really was a small child. He started to believe me about feeling love and emotion and that I was right, that everything was going to be okay in the end.
I told him I know that you will always be with me and I was originally going to leave him here to die, but he is a part of me and with out him I would not be here right now. Depression smiled and then he turned into a ball of light, I reached out and held him in both my hands. I then said you have no power over me anymore, you may get scared and talk to me when things get bad, I will stop you and then show you love! I will always show you love. And when I get really scared and I want to commit suicide I will always think of you as a little child and once again give you the love you need.
I will never take my own life, I will always breath love into you! because you are part of me and I love who I am and that means I love you as well, there is nothing to be afraid of anymore!
I stood up and I carried the ball of light with me to my tree and as I walked around the tree the ball of light passed into my heart. I ran my hand over the trees trunk feeling it’s bark saying Hi, I then stepped in side. I sat in the tree and breathed deep in through my leaves and then into my heart so the ball of light would know that I loved it, I always have and always will. I breathed into my depression to let it know that I will always treat myself with love and kindness. I stepped out of my tree, I walked around it running my hand over its bark and said good bye! I thanked it for always showing me love!
After this long stress full time, were I truly hit bottom I knew that it was time to find away to confront my depression and truly take it’s power away. Suicide is not on the table and it will never ever be again, it will never be an option.
This is one of my biggest break throughs and it is very, very important to realize that this was 6 years in the making, that with out these 6 years of therapy I would have never been able to reach this stage in my life, in my recovery. This last down turn was a gift! It made me realize so many things, things I never saw before. I had been holding on to something that I should have never held on to, I named it something different so it would still be there in my mind waiting for it’s time to come forward. But because of the work I have done, there is no hiding in the shadows and waiting to come forward any more. I can call it what it is, it is SUICIDE and it has no where to hide anymore.
I am able to see it, hear it, feel it and deal with it! Love it and show it that it has no part in my life. I am no longer listening to it, but I am going to show it love and that will make it weaker and me stronger! Self love, selfcare always beats depression. My depression will learn to except love and learn that life is for living, it has no choice because I am going nowhere! Nowhere Before my natural time occurs.
I succeed in life
I am worth changing
I am not afraid to be myself
I am not afraid to be happy; I deserve to be happy
I am a strong and smart man I will beat depression.
Darcy Patrick.
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