Writing became my voice, when I was unable to talk. Over the years I had held back all my emotion, I hid it, kept it locked away, not willing to actually talk or express myself in any manner, acting everyday. I was scared to express myself and sooner or later I just lost the words, they just disappeared.
I knew how I felt but had no way of actually saying what I wanted to say, my emotions just sitting there inside me with no way of getting them out. I was a ball of emotion, near the end before I made the call for help, I was crying and crying all the time. When I started therapy I would have these bursts of emotion and I would not be able to express myself. I would just start crying at the start of a session, Mastora (My therapist) would ask me Darcy what is going on talk to me, I would just sit across from her and not know what to say, just cry and cry. Everything inside welling up and wanting out, but I had no way of getting it out. I had become so filled with emotion from so many years of holding it back, acting and not being myself, I really overtime had lost my ability to talk about what was inside, it was like a wall, a wall that slowly over time with out me noticing was built.
But now that I was in therapy and learning about my emotions, they were rising to the surface, like never before. I was allowing them to come up, I was learning to face them, but lacked that voice to express them as they were running fast, overwhelming me at times.
At therapy I always had home work, every week, because that is the only way therapy ever works, is when you embrace it and make it your own and apply it outside of the office.
So a had to find a way of doing my home work, Mastora told me that I was going to have to star writing in order to do my home work. Every week handing it in, we would then be reading through it together. I was terrified and pushed against it at first, but if I was going to get better, I would have to let go of my fear and just start doing my home work.
So I started writing, handing in my home work, it was amazing, I had a voice. Overtime, I was actually able to write and express myself openly in a way that I never thought I would be able to. I was always a horrible student in school never getting good grades, especially when it came to English class, writing and reading just wasn’t my thing! But guess what? It was, I was thriving with my new gift. I went from handing in my assignment’s that were given each week, finishing that work, then taking each tool and changing them, then writing even more! Writing became an everyday event; I was writing 4 or 5 times a day.
So all of a sudden when I walked into a therapy session I had lots to talk about, I would have prepared things that I would read, we would then have a direction to move in. I was learning to express myself and how I was feeling, what was bothering, then I was able to apply a tool or learn a new one to help me through this time or heal something from my past. It was at that point when Mastora told me I should write a book! I laughed it off, there was no way I was going to be able to that at all! But here I am 7 years later, I have written three books! With a fourth on the way. I found my voice, my way of expressing myself.
When I write, I write about my life, my tools, my experiences and how I changed. My books work, they reach people because everyone feels the same way I do! I used to think that I was alone but then I learned I was the same as everyone else when it came to emotion.
Writing gave me a freedom that I never had before. Writing allowed me to grow in ways I never dreamed possible. I learned to connect my mind, body & soul through writing. Making up my own ways of using tools, mixing writing with mindfulness, Learning to write my own meditations, healing my past, freeing my mind. Learning to forgive, seeing the world differently, changing my perspective all together, accepting things I could not accept before. Letting go of control and becoming myself.
This all came about because I found a voice that I never knew I had! Writing became my voice, when I was unable to talk. It is no wonder that I have been able to write four books in four years! I have 38 years of things to write about! Let writing become your voice, let it grow slowly, with love and care! Having a voice does not always mean you are speaking, it means you are expressing yourself! That is a beautiful thing! Embrace writing make it your best friend!